Blow Horn Please

As I've suggested before, traveling by car in India is like Manhattan rush hour gridlock with everyone driving at full speed and all pedestrians jaywalking. I've discovered over time that there is a distinct method to the madness, though admittedly that method is chaotic at best and shrouded in mystery. Here, then, is Ben's Guide to Driving in India:

1. Only slow down when a collision is imminent, unless it is a collision with a pedestrian. Pedestrians will not inflict significant damage and only serve to slow down traffic. Do not bend to their malicious will.
2. Honk incessantly, gratuitously, and repeatedly, even when no other cars are nearby. Do so not in anger, but rather for the joy of honking.
3. Lane markings exist for their aesthetic value, to be freely ignored outside of an art course on dotted line appreciation. Your objective is to pack the road as tightly as possible, not to look neat and organized.
4. Hug the car next to you as closely as physically possible, even at the risk of a collision. Cars like to be hugged.
5. Service your vehicle only when it is no longer operable. Ignore any dashboard alerts or regulations.
6. Wear a seat belt if one is available. (There won't be.)

On a related note, the best on-road exhortation to drive safely that I saw carries a family message: "Think about kids & wife -- care your life."

Of course, the essential companion for pedestrians, Ben's Guide to Walking in India, is a bit briefer:

1. Fear for your life, and for godsakes, stay out of the road -- those drivers are crazy!