Blow Horn Please

As I've suggested before, traveling by car in India is like Manhattan rush hour gridlock with everyone driving at full speed and all pedestrians jaywalking. I've discovered over time that there is a distinct method to the madness, though admittedly that method is chaotic at best and shrouded in mystery. Here, then, is Ben's Guide to Driving in India:

1. Only slow down when a collision is imminent, unless it is a collision with a pedestrian. Pedestrians will not inflict significant damage and only serve to slow down traffic. Do not bend to their malicious will.
2. Honk incessantly, gratuitously, and repeatedly, even when no other cars are nearby. Do so not in anger, but rather for the joy of honking.
3. Lane markings exist for their aesthetic value, to be freely ignored outside of an art course on dotted line appreciation. Your objective is to pack the road as tightly as possible, not to look neat and organized.
4. Hug the car next to you as closely as physically possible, even at the risk of a collision. Cars like to be hugged.
5. Service your vehicle only when it is no longer operable. Ignore any dashboard alerts or regulations.
6. Wear a seat belt if one is available. (There won't be.)

On a related note, the best on-road exhortation to drive safely that I saw carries a family message: "Think about kids & wife -- care your life."

Of course, the essential companion for pedestrians, Ben's Guide to Walking in India, is a bit briefer:

1. Fear for your life, and for godsakes, stay out of the road -- those drivers are crazy!

Notes from the road

Wow, India sure makes a fast impression. People. people everywhere. The place certainly has the feel of a third-world country.

Immediately upon exiting the airplane, a smoky haze is evident in the air. I wondered whether there had been a fire in the airport, but I'm assured this is all normal. It turns out all of Delhi is the same way. I feel like I should be wearing a gas mask. So much for all those years of not smoking.

Ten minutes into the car ride and I've seen two men urinating in public, about ten dogs, and a big-ass cow. No lanes on the highways, or at least no regard for the markings that do exist. Cars somehow flock together like a packed herd of scared elephants.

A tiny tent village on the side of the road, people walking in the middle of the street with reckless abandon, constant car horns, bicycles almost everywhere I look.

And then I see it, holy crap -- a monkey, running wild! And damn if there aren't more, too. No seriously, there are freaking monkeys running around. On the ground, atop buildings, pretty much everywhere you'd expect a monkey not to be.

Driving from Agra to Jaipur now. There are animals all over the freaking place, almost more than people. Mostly cows, but a few sheep and goats, buffalo, and an occasional elephant. Massive boars are kept in towns sometimes because they consume some of the trash randomly strewn about. Note to self the virtues of this possible alternative to cleaning my apartment...